Not up to blogging

I decided at the start of this month to blog everyday but i am not the kind of person to blog for the sake of blogging. I feel that i have done better than I would have but then I refuse to put pressure on myself to write when there is nothing to write about.

Have a great till I see you next.

Jen

finally back, not doing well with nablopomo

mmm.. long day today. long week really. Been to the gym twice this week and worked again today. I love cleaning houses... not mine though. lol

Unfortunately though, the lady who I am helping has hurt her leg again which is really hoorrible as she isn't feeling well. She also has bronchitis (sp) it is good for me as I have work with her till she is better but still, I hate that she isn't in the best of health.

I also have gym tomorrow. I think I will do some extra. I have a PT session but want to do some cardio as well. I believe I will do 20 mins each of tredmill, x-trainer and bike, then do my session with the PT. He is going to make a weights routine for me.

sorry this is lame. NEED SLEEP

Jen

sorry bout the one liner, have a migraine, going to bed.

Posting quickly

I did my first gym session today and loved it.

Really need sleep but will edit this tomorrow sometime describing how I went.

Am going again tomorrow.

Jen

too tired, running late.

I went to see the guys that sung this song tonight (which is why I am late). They are my ultimate favourite band. I even used one of their songs to walk out of the church when I was married. It brought back so many memories.

Sorry this is not real interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fpWH81f-Uo

Jen

Really don't feel like bloging

Feel free to skip this post. LOL

Had a good day today. A little sore from working yesterday but I am doing ok. I went to a park and fit down the slide with just a slight bit of thigh hit. haven't been eating the greatest but i am doing well I think. Just have to really make sure I stay strong and not give in. I have to eat properly. not that I am eating too bad but just not as well as I think I should.

can't remember if I mentioned this yesterday but I bought new shorts for going to the gym and had to get a size 18. I haven't been that in ages. the last time I fitted in to big W clothes was at at least a 22 even if that fitted. I had tried on some 26's and not fitted them. The best part is that I tried on a 16 and almost fitted them also... it was just a tad too tight in my butt. LOL

I go to the gym for my assessment on Monday. The first PT session that comes free so you know what you are doing. I am a bit nervous but I think it will go ok.

Had better go, am really tired today.

Jen

I HAVE A JOB!!!

I worked as a cleaning fairy yesterday. Ok well I vacuumed for 4 hours yesterday but then if you have been reading my blog you would know that.

Today I did the house that is mine to do. I was sooo paranoid, I thought that I did a really bad job... well not good enough anyway. I got a phone call today saying that I did really well and that the lady said I did better than her last 2 cleaning ladies.

This made me think about how I tend to worry too much. I really have to stop that. I did well and I had pride in my work.

Not sure what to say now. I am just amazed how a good days work really makes you feel as though you have done some good. And stops you being lazy.

I am going to head to bed but will be back tomorrow

Jen

Again a long day

I went and worked today. I am sorry if you don't believe in God and may get offended but I believe He is doing some amazing things in my life.

I joined a gym yesterday. I am really scared but can't wait to go. I believe God found a way for us to pay the fees. Then I was thinking about what I would wear... this is not me being vain, this is me no longer having any shorts that fit me (they are too loose). I was rather worried, I mean, it was a struggle for me to get to the gym membership but having to buy clothes was just too much. Then God gave me a job. It is only for today and next Thursday but it is $60 each time and today as we were going in to one of the houses (am helping a lady who tore cartledge (sp?) in her knee and couldn't vacuum) "A" decided to bring the mop in. She normally doesn't do this as the people have their own mop but she thought that theirs was getting old so she would use hers. She doesn't normally do this.
As we were about to walk up the stairs, this car drives up and asks if we were house cleaners. "A" said yes. The lady said that her cleaners just quit and didn't ring but just didn't turn up and that she was looking for a cleaner. "A" promptly said that I was looking for work. So now I have a job that pays $15 an hour once a fortnight starting tomorrow. This pays all bar $3 of my gym fees and it is a little extra for things we might need (It paid for my tea tonight as I went out with some friends).

The above is not something that happens every day, things are just running sooo smoothly and the way that it is happenning I truely believe that someone special (for me it is God) is creating it all. I am truely blessed.

Night all, I am really tired.

Jen

Long day but awesome

Hey all, just a quick post today.

THINGS ON MY MIND

1. I have some work for tomorrow. (vaccumming and mopping)
2. I signed up for the gym today
3. I am going out for tea with friends tomorrow night
4. Am waiting to get a PT so I can fully start the gym
5. I just cleaned up spilt eggs and then mopped my kitchen (sooo been putting it off)
6. Am really tired so am dribbling a lot ( talking rubbish, not physically doing it)
7. I am so unprepared for tomorrow
8. Am logging off here so I can write out things I need to do.
9. Wishing you all a great night/day.

Jen

Tad annoyed.

What is it with dh's or so's not listening. is it just mine or do all men instantly forget things at the very moment after something is said to them?

I shouldn't really whinge as dh is mostly good and while he has his problems, he is a pretty good bloke.

I am not even sure what to write now. and it isn't really all that big a deal but it hurts. I guess I will continue so I can get it out and deal with it. He didn't take out the rubbish last night which is his job and didn't hang out and put the load on that I asked him to today.

Normally that wouldn't bug me but he told me today that the first thing he did when he got home this morning was go to play 1 game of online scrabble then ended up playing 3. that is the bit that aggravates me, and I guess, wanting things done around the house (which I am completely fine about) but then just leaving things all over the place for me to clean up. It is just laziness and the worst thing is that Mr Magoo is following in his footsteps.

I am still a little hurt, not quite angry but will do it myself today just to get it done. I will get him to read this tonight though as when I say anything to him it doesn't really sink in and he doesn't get how much it hurts.

Will go now and eat my lunch. Am having chicken and veggies that I cooked last night in advance. I love being semi organised. :0)

Jen

Beyond tired but feeling awesome

It has been a long day, haven't really done much but, it feels long. lol

It is 20 mins past my bed time and I am real tired for a change. I think I might make the most of it.

Mr Magoo has leg pains tionight (I suspect growing pains) and dh is in bed already.

I watched the funniest movie today. Wild Hogs. It is beyond funny. Go and see it.

I REALLY have to go. eyes closing.

Night

Jen

Oh my :oO

I have had pretty much no computer time at all this past weekend as DH was playing scrabble online. lol

Will back post what I wrote for the past couple of days a bit later :ie when ds goes to bed but before dh comes home.

Jen

body clutter mission chapter 1

FIRST MEMORY OF COMFORT FOOD
Jelly beans and soft lollies (especially cigars and teeth) Dad gave them to me. there was a sneakyness about it. It was like a game in our family. I could only have some if Dad didn't see me take it.He would hold the bag/container out towards me but turn his head so he couldn't see me.it was a really big thing when my step mum was around.

FAVOURITE FOOD WHEN NEEDING COMFORT
Mashed potato and garlic salt sandwiches

LOOKING BACK, WHY DO i LOVE IT SO MUCH?
I don't any more but when I did, it was because it was warm and made me feel less empty and it was always available for me to eat.

FIRST MEMORY OF USING IT
It was just after I moved out of home for the first time. I had a whole heap of emotions swirling around but asn't able to talk to my Dad as my step mum wouldn't allow it. At my aunties, we always had left over potato (I am guessing that there were other vegies also) and having it with a sandwich was just too tempting. It gave me the feeling of being cared for.

Thanks for listening. Sorry if it is boring

Jen

Saturday's musings on Body Clutter.

I have started to read body clutter again with a friend. we had to read the intro and the 1st chapter. Here is what I gleamed from the pages. LOL

"Who I am does not equal my dress size." page xix line 10
This was a weird concept for me. I mean, I used to gain weight (subconciously) to hide, to turn people off, as a mechanism to hide away from everyone. I am learning that this was a whole load of rubbish. My dress size is nothing. I am who I am and nothing can change that. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I know I want to do more but I am genuinely starting to become happy with who I am and how my life is. Granted, some of it suxs but it isn't really that bad. The fact that I am learning this at 26 is awesome. I was going to be 21 next year (I missed out on a 21st) instead of being 27 but you know what. I am going to embrace me.

"not all mindless eating is triggered by pain" page 4 paragraph 3 line 1
the book mentioned that we can eat mindlessly when we starve ourselves to the point of then binging. I don't think this is the only form of mindlessly eating. I can't count the ammount of times I have started reading a book with a full packet of chips and a big block of chocolate to find the book read and both packets empty. was I hungry??? nope but did I mindlessly eat. abso-blooming-lutely

"food only seemed all-powerful when I gave it power" page 8 paragraph 2 line 4
In the past 12 weeks (I have been doing a health challenge) I have learnt how true this statement really is. Food hasn't had power over me. I controlled it not it me and I have been being blessed because of it. I have lost 10.8kg of weight and many tonnes more of emotional baggage. I am free-er than I have been almost my whole life and I am learning who I really am.
This experience both in the book by FLYlady and Leanne and in the health challenge has changed who I am from the inside out.

If you want a reccommendation of an awesome book... get body clutter.

Jen

Running late but confidant. :o)

This whole journal thing is new for me.

Don't get me wrong... I have journals and blogs but only tend to use them when I am really emotional or, no scrap that, it is only when I am emotional. lol

I tended to think I was just plain boring and there was nothing much to my life but reading other friends blogs, I am realising that I am doing well. Not everyone is going to care about me and what goes on but that is ok as this is a journey for me. It doesn't matter if no one else reads this as long as I am growing all the time.

Sorry to keep this short, have a lot to do today with ds (darling son to be named in here from now on as Mr Magoo). he is home from school again today just to make sure he isn't sick still.
will be back later tonight.

Jen

Day 1 (for me) of NaBloPoMo

Today I have done rather well with posting. This is the third entry today for me.

It has been a long day. Mr Magoo was off from school again today just to make sure he is totally well. He is. lol. He hasn't stopped all day. I am working on issues at home, in my marraige and in myself. here will help me to deal with them all and grow.

I look forward to sharing and changing things.

talk later,

Jen

Officially in NaBloPoMo

After hearing about NaBloPoMo, I decided to give it a go.

blogs will be the same here and there. with maybe a few more here. lol

Talk later

Jen

long week, but more so, things thought about.

Hey,

I have been thinking a whole heap on different things lately. On Saturday I had one of my friends od on medication and alcohol. I never expected it to shake me up because I hadn't allowed me to really grasp what it means. It helped that I hadn't seen her in a while or since she did it. But today, just after dropping off ds to school... i got this phone call asking if I would go to he house to look after while her mum went out.

I didn't really want to, I mean this morning was horrible for me and I just wanted to do the things I needed to do, exercise/clean/rest/study/look after ds but I knew that if I didn't S's mum would be really hurt and feel betrayed. I did the martyr thing and went. It was horrible. S was completely out of it with the hospital bands still on her hands and bandages where she had drips and stuff coming out of her arms. she has always been so bubbly and to see her not be able to stay awake and crying from the pain was almost too much for me. She did sleep alot but I was left wondering what if her friends didn't come when she called them and told them what she took. what if her liver had bleed (it had holes in it). All I thought about was that she could have died. If she drinks again, her liver could bleed and she would die a horrible painful death.

She is 8 years younger than me only just out of her teens and she has had so many things happen to her in her short life. she has had problems medically, dr's have messed up, she can't have kids (which she has wanted to do ever since I have known her.), one of the married guys from church has been cracking on to her which has made her feel really bad. Her parents haven't been the greatest at all and she is just so young.

I don't know...

I guess that I just thought that none of this would affect me ever and now that it has, i am at a loss as to what to do, how to make a difference and be a friend. i was never fully close to her but wonder now "Why not?" the poor kid.

I had better go or I won't get Mr Magoo in time.

bbl

Thoughts on last Thursday having calmed down

Well, it is now Tuesday (well duh lol) and I have had time to calm down and think about things, and live life. this post is me dealing with what happenned and the things that relate to it from the past few days.

I will start with the answers to the questions I talked about last post.

1. Why do I need friendships? --- At first I thought that I didn't need friendships, well not in the traditional way. I don't have many IRL friends, well that is what I thought. I mean, I hardly know anyone my owen age. Then I thought about it and wondered WHY I didn't have friends and thought about what did I think friendships were anyway. I realise that my view of friends was hanging out with people of the same sex and age, going out for coffee, watching movies with them and telling them everything. But more relaxing than serious. If that is the case... I am right, I don't have any friends. I do have friends though. They may not be my age but friends can just have things in common and that is ok. So why do I need friendships?... To support, nourish, cherish, correct me when I am wrong, mourn with me and teach me it is ok to be different and me, to really get out there and to learn to be vulnerable and to know that I can make mistakes (sin in an obvious way) and still be accepted. that is a big thing for me. I have always felt with Christians or churches that no matter how well I do with anything, that I am always judged. Even with the closest friends at church.
2. What is a good friend like? --- There is no absolutes for the making of a good friend. It has no boundaries. My friends are many different ages ranging from 3 - 90ish. Each has different things they bring. Some are just starting out, others are expierenced in life. Each has something. Some are friends are friends because they are also married, some because they have kids, some are because they are trying to lose weight, some are in groups I am in, a few are from overseas, some because they are Christians or are going through the same stuff as me. Many are complete opposites of me. If it wern't for something like FLYlady or being a Christian, we wouldn't be friends at all. One thing though, we need to be honest, reliable (as much as it is up to us) and paitent. We also need to know that it is a two way thing. We each have to make the effort to do things with each other.
3. What do I want from my friendships? --- Honesty, nothaving to hide some of me to suit friends and what they are comfortable with. the ability to speak bluntly when necessary abnd to learn how to relax without worrying if I am doing the right thing. Being able to just let go and be a fool if the occassion fits. And a sense of humour. this question has been really hard, sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve friends my age. I wouldn't know what to want because maybe I am not good enough.

Reading that, I realised that I was just plain miserable and I was giving up on them before I even had the chance to get to know them. I had judged them before getting to know them again.

On Sunday we had a Young Adults meeting at the church to discuss where we were doing good and what we needed to do to improve. As the good things came out, I was rather grumpy as some of them were the faults I had seen. But then we got to the faults. I was ready to not say any of mine just incase they got angry at me for putting them down. The first person to speak was one of the pastor's kids. He really surprised me as what he had written were things that I thought. As we went around the group, there were more who thought the same as I did. Even the pastor aggreed with a few things. When it got to my turn to speak, I felt free to add mine. I learnt a lot and while at the start of the meeting I was ready to give up on the young adults, now I am going to fight for us.

The meeting ended on a bad note for me and one other though. We had been talking about encouragement and how we need to do it rather than bring others down. One of the girls almost accused another of being nasty to her brother. I truly don't believe that she was as when she made the point, she pointed to herself first. Any way, the girl who was accused ran out of the room. I followed as it wasn't fair to be attacked like she was and i wantedto apologize to her myself and she was one of the girls who was in the group that I cried about on Thursday.

We talked for quite a while and it was amazing. She is 19 and has been going through so much. She admitted to becomming cliquey but then explained why she did. It made so much sense and made me realise that I did the exact same thing. It wasn't so much as not letting anyone in but rather a protecting yourself from the hurt of not being accepted. Before she dropped me at home, we got to be reaquanted again and I promised to come to church that night (something I never do because Mr Magoo (5) is too young to attend) and sit with her. It was an amazing night and god absolutely blessed me.

I am very thankful that I got to change my mind and now I am absolutely dying to go on Thursday and get to know the girls better.

Well I had better gom I have taken about an hour to do this and my house is in desperate need of work. but first to pick up Mr Magoo.

Bye for now

Jen

feeling low and rejected

Am really low at the moment, I don't know what is wrong with me.

Let me explain.

Tonight i joined a bible study group, all girls and all around my age, cept they are younger and not married and don't have kids.

It was about what kind of friend I am and what I consider a friend etc.

To be honest, I don't see me as having friends, I mean I know that I do but none in real life, well none my age.

I felt so stupid there and felt as though I was nothing. That wasn't the message conveyed but it still hurt a hell of a lot. I will post the answers to my questions there in the next couple of days.

I think the hard thing for me is that I have never felt as though I fitted in anywhere, not the groups I am in, not my church, not even fully in my family unles you count my Dad. Even in my house, I feel as though I am an outsider. It just hurts so much.

I had better head off now as I need to make lunch for tomorrow. Will come back after I can see through my glasses. Dang things are fogging up with tears I don't normally use.

Jen

Great week had... though the house is not going so good

This week has been good, well I think so anyway.

Monday was mostly tidying but did spend time with ds, reading and playing.

Tuesday, I got my hair cut. A friend did it and she was REALLY good. At first I didn't know what to think as it is shorter than I thought that it would be but I am really getting used to it and I love it.

Wednesday was wasted I think, DH is still sick and fuly acting like a sick male. LOL. We did do some shopping though, so I guess that it wasn't too bad.

And today. I loved it. I had organised with a friend to catch up. She rang early because it was raining and thought that we probably should postpone it till next week but after Mr Magoo got really sad because he desperately wanted to see them, the adults changed their minds.

We went to catch the bus, got there late (due to a mummy error) but the bus was late so it was ok. when we got in there, it was still spitting slightly but getting better. We met up with S and her son J and walked over a bridge (bout 1km) to the library and stayed there for a couple of hours. We then went to have lunch (subway) and walked back over the bridge to south bank. The kids played there for probably an hour then it was time to go home.

Mr Magoo got some books from the library and loved the time with our friends though he did say it was horrible because he hurt himself. He didn't even have a scratch. LOL

I also found all of my journals and organised them. I think that it is time for me to start journalling again, not how my day went... but prayers and general talking to God.

Well I need to go to bed soon, but will try to be here tomorrow.

Night.

Jen

I'm back

It has been about 5 days since I have been here.

Doing not too bad I think. I have been nauseous again but I think that is the aspartame that is making me feel sick. Am going to try going without it for a few days and see if that helps.

Apart from that, the health challenge seems to be ging well. I do need to get more exercise in though. Will do that a bit later today if my tummy likes me more than it does now.

Mr Magoo has still been playing up but I know that that is because of how I am to a certain extent. DH pulled me up on it yesterday and while I got grumpy and defensive at him, I know that I need to work on how I react while not feeling well.

Had better go, am having a day to myself today as DH took both the kids out. I think maybe I should have gone with him but I just wanted to be by myself. Selfish maybe, but there is nothing I can do now about it.

Jen

The first day of the rest of my life

Well it is 4pm and I have been doing well today I think.

Woke up a bit late and didn't really want to do anything this morning. I did though. I have done most of my poda today which I am really happy about. Still have a bit to go but am excited about how I am going.

I have cleaned most of the house today, it wasn't too bad, mostly just clothes that needed to be folded and put away.

Mr Magoo has been playing up a bit but I think he is just feeling the emotions that are here and playing up to them. I need to make sure I relax and don't bite when I know that is what helps him to misbehave.

I have done well also on the eating and exercise front. I have done the 3 mile walk away the pounds dvd and have eaten what I was meant to and not cheated. YAY ME!!!

Altogether a rather good day.

Night

The begining

Well this a new start. A new begining.

I must admit, I am pretty bad at blogs and normally forget I have them. This time, It is going to be a fresh start blogging about things that I am feeling. Kinda like a recap of the day so that I can unwind and really think about where I am going, how I am feeling and big mile stones in my life.

Well had better go but will be back tonight to share.

Jen