long week, but more so, things thought about.

Hey,

I have been thinking a whole heap on different things lately. On Saturday I had one of my friends od on medication and alcohol. I never expected it to shake me up because I hadn't allowed me to really grasp what it means. It helped that I hadn't seen her in a while or since she did it. But today, just after dropping off ds to school... i got this phone call asking if I would go to he house to look after while her mum went out.

I didn't really want to, I mean this morning was horrible for me and I just wanted to do the things I needed to do, exercise/clean/rest/study/look after ds but I knew that if I didn't S's mum would be really hurt and feel betrayed. I did the martyr thing and went. It was horrible. S was completely out of it with the hospital bands still on her hands and bandages where she had drips and stuff coming out of her arms. she has always been so bubbly and to see her not be able to stay awake and crying from the pain was almost too much for me. She did sleep alot but I was left wondering what if her friends didn't come when she called them and told them what she took. what if her liver had bleed (it had holes in it). All I thought about was that she could have died. If she drinks again, her liver could bleed and she would die a horrible painful death.

She is 8 years younger than me only just out of her teens and she has had so many things happen to her in her short life. she has had problems medically, dr's have messed up, she can't have kids (which she has wanted to do ever since I have known her.), one of the married guys from church has been cracking on to her which has made her feel really bad. Her parents haven't been the greatest at all and she is just so young.

I don't know...

I guess that I just thought that none of this would affect me ever and now that it has, i am at a loss as to what to do, how to make a difference and be a friend. i was never fully close to her but wonder now "Why not?" the poor kid.

I had better go or I won't get Mr Magoo in time.

bbl

Thoughts on last Thursday having calmed down

Well, it is now Tuesday (well duh lol) and I have had time to calm down and think about things, and live life. this post is me dealing with what happenned and the things that relate to it from the past few days.

I will start with the answers to the questions I talked about last post.

1. Why do I need friendships? --- At first I thought that I didn't need friendships, well not in the traditional way. I don't have many IRL friends, well that is what I thought. I mean, I hardly know anyone my owen age. Then I thought about it and wondered WHY I didn't have friends and thought about what did I think friendships were anyway. I realise that my view of friends was hanging out with people of the same sex and age, going out for coffee, watching movies with them and telling them everything. But more relaxing than serious. If that is the case... I am right, I don't have any friends. I do have friends though. They may not be my age but friends can just have things in common and that is ok. So why do I need friendships?... To support, nourish, cherish, correct me when I am wrong, mourn with me and teach me it is ok to be different and me, to really get out there and to learn to be vulnerable and to know that I can make mistakes (sin in an obvious way) and still be accepted. that is a big thing for me. I have always felt with Christians or churches that no matter how well I do with anything, that I am always judged. Even with the closest friends at church.
2. What is a good friend like? --- There is no absolutes for the making of a good friend. It has no boundaries. My friends are many different ages ranging from 3 - 90ish. Each has different things they bring. Some are just starting out, others are expierenced in life. Each has something. Some are friends are friends because they are also married, some because they have kids, some are because they are trying to lose weight, some are in groups I am in, a few are from overseas, some because they are Christians or are going through the same stuff as me. Many are complete opposites of me. If it wern't for something like FLYlady or being a Christian, we wouldn't be friends at all. One thing though, we need to be honest, reliable (as much as it is up to us) and paitent. We also need to know that it is a two way thing. We each have to make the effort to do things with each other.
3. What do I want from my friendships? --- Honesty, nothaving to hide some of me to suit friends and what they are comfortable with. the ability to speak bluntly when necessary abnd to learn how to relax without worrying if I am doing the right thing. Being able to just let go and be a fool if the occassion fits. And a sense of humour. this question has been really hard, sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve friends my age. I wouldn't know what to want because maybe I am not good enough.

Reading that, I realised that I was just plain miserable and I was giving up on them before I even had the chance to get to know them. I had judged them before getting to know them again.

On Sunday we had a Young Adults meeting at the church to discuss where we were doing good and what we needed to do to improve. As the good things came out, I was rather grumpy as some of them were the faults I had seen. But then we got to the faults. I was ready to not say any of mine just incase they got angry at me for putting them down. The first person to speak was one of the pastor's kids. He really surprised me as what he had written were things that I thought. As we went around the group, there were more who thought the same as I did. Even the pastor aggreed with a few things. When it got to my turn to speak, I felt free to add mine. I learnt a lot and while at the start of the meeting I was ready to give up on the young adults, now I am going to fight for us.

The meeting ended on a bad note for me and one other though. We had been talking about encouragement and how we need to do it rather than bring others down. One of the girls almost accused another of being nasty to her brother. I truly don't believe that she was as when she made the point, she pointed to herself first. Any way, the girl who was accused ran out of the room. I followed as it wasn't fair to be attacked like she was and i wantedto apologize to her myself and she was one of the girls who was in the group that I cried about on Thursday.

We talked for quite a while and it was amazing. She is 19 and has been going through so much. She admitted to becomming cliquey but then explained why she did. It made so much sense and made me realise that I did the exact same thing. It wasn't so much as not letting anyone in but rather a protecting yourself from the hurt of not being accepted. Before she dropped me at home, we got to be reaquanted again and I promised to come to church that night (something I never do because Mr Magoo (5) is too young to attend) and sit with her. It was an amazing night and god absolutely blessed me.

I am very thankful that I got to change my mind and now I am absolutely dying to go on Thursday and get to know the girls better.

Well I had better gom I have taken about an hour to do this and my house is in desperate need of work. but first to pick up Mr Magoo.

Bye for now

Jen

feeling low and rejected

Am really low at the moment, I don't know what is wrong with me.

Let me explain.

Tonight i joined a bible study group, all girls and all around my age, cept they are younger and not married and don't have kids.

It was about what kind of friend I am and what I consider a friend etc.

To be honest, I don't see me as having friends, I mean I know that I do but none in real life, well none my age.

I felt so stupid there and felt as though I was nothing. That wasn't the message conveyed but it still hurt a hell of a lot. I will post the answers to my questions there in the next couple of days.

I think the hard thing for me is that I have never felt as though I fitted in anywhere, not the groups I am in, not my church, not even fully in my family unles you count my Dad. Even in my house, I feel as though I am an outsider. It just hurts so much.

I had better head off now as I need to make lunch for tomorrow. Will come back after I can see through my glasses. Dang things are fogging up with tears I don't normally use.

Jen